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213 Things Skippy Isn't Allowed to Do in the Mad Science Lab Anymore
Compiled by Erin Mills and Brian Taylor
Med-school intern Stephen Von Sigerson, known to all and sundry as "Skippy," has recently completed an internship with a not-very-well
respected scientist in an obscure middle European country prone to lightning strikes and wolves baying at the moon. During his time
there, Skippy has learned a number of things about the proper conduct in a laboratory setting and has compiled the following list of things
he was either told or learned during his prematurely terminated internship.
01. We do not taunt Igor with torches.
02. ... especially not during lightning storms.
03. We do not respond to every one of the doctor's commands with "That's what she said."
04. Well, not anymore.
05. "I'll get the marshmallows" is not an appropriate response to the sight of a torch-wielding mob of villagers coming up the road.
06. We do not play "pin the tail on the Tesla coil."
07. We do not let Van Helsings into the castle while the Doctor is away.
08. Especially not if they promise to bring "steaks."
09. Atoms are not for splitting.
10. Sulfuric Acid is not meant to be used as an eyewash.
11. When I blame something on my evil twin, I should first make sure he's actually been created.
12. We do not comment that the Doctor's creations look just like his mother-in-law.
13. We do not call the police even if they are his mother-in-law.
14. The monster's neckbolts are not there for the jumper cables to be clamped to.
15. The "Abby Normal" joke is no longer funny outside the context of a Mel Brooks movie
16. Recreating King Kong using a Tesla coil, the Monster, and a nubile village girl is no longer acceptable behavior.
17. Nor is trying to sell the unholy spawn of that union on the black market.
18. The Monster doesn't like it.
19. "That's just WRONG!" is not an acceptable response to the unveiling of the mad scientist's latest abomination in the eyes of God and Man.
20. The Doctor doesn't like it when we draw juvenile pictures on his anatomical diagrams.
21. Medical waste is not a good soup stock.
22. Bribing village gypsies to falsify fortunes and send tourists to the castle only works when you pay them with money.
23. Newt eyes and lizard tales are not acceptable forms of currency.
24. Walking around with throw pillows in the legs of your pants and declaring that "The M-Master does not ap-prove of such things" is now a hanging offense.
25. We are not allowed to make fun of Igor's lisp.
26. So stop asking him to say things like "Necessary antidisestablishmentarianism"
27. "The Monster Mash" is not our official theme song.
28. Jeffery Combs is not our official spokesman.
29. So walking around the lab muttering "I did not kill him. I gave him life!" is not permitted.
30. Unholy genetic experiments are no longer to be conducted on cockroaches or arachnids.
31. Once was more than enough.
32. We do not use the Doctor's equipment to build ourselves a girlfriend.
33. Especially not if we have to kill his jailbait younger sister to do it.
34. It is not advisable to turn the castle into a bed and breakfast offering "complementary tours of the Secret Evil Laboratory."
35. We do not mislabel the gateway to the Dimension of Doom as "Happy Fluffy Kitty and Rainbow Pony Room."
36. Just because it looks, walks and quacks like a duck does not mean it IS a duck.
37. Nor should it be assumed that it eats bread crumbs like a duck.
38. Under no circumstances do we tell Igor, "Bite me."
39. In fact, telling anything in the lab to "Bite Me" is a bad idea.
40. Sticking my hand in the Doctor's little black box is not a good idea.
41. I should not eat anything I find in the labs.
42. Drinking potions in bubbling beakers will not get me trashed.
43. If we notice the eyes in Master's ancestral paintings following our every movement, we should not attempt to poke them out.
44. "You want a piece of me?" is not an appropriate response to the Monster's threatening hand gestures.
45. When Master asks for my opinion about his latest creation, mumbling, "Dear God in Heaven, what have we created?" is not what he has in mind.
46. When removing medical waste from the lab, I am not allowed to quote the soap making monologue from Fight Club.
47. Speaking of Fight Club, passing the various internal organs to the Doctor for use should not be preluded with "I am Jack's Spastic (Insert Organ Here)"
48. Especially not "I am Jack's Spastic Colon."
49. Recreating the chest-burster scene from Alien using some of those organs is also frowned upon.
50. If I want the Doctor to regenerate my severed limbs, I should refrain from flipping the Monster off.
51. Putting wigs and celebrity name labels on the jars of the floating brains is not funny.
52. Even the one containing Richard Nixon's actual brain
53. And speaking of Nixon, transplanting his brain into the Monster is only funny once.
54. Playing "Got Your Nose" is only cute if the nose in question stays attached to the face.
55. Getting so drunk I urinate on the Master's ancestral graveyard in the basement is not a good idea.
56. Secret passages are a privilege, not a right.
57. Using the dimensional forks to look into the Face of God is one thing. Using dimensional forks to look into the Face of Bob is another.
58. The Master's tools are not toys. We do not use them to steal cable.
59. "Oh look, ,the spare parts are here!" is not the correct way to greet overnight guests and/or potential victims.
60. No one is interested in "hot Igor-on-Igor action."
61. Purchasing body parts for the Master's experiments on eBay is wrong.
62. So Is going to Big Bob's House o Organs
63. So is selling organs to Big Bob.
64. X-rays will not give me superhuman strength...
65. ... and Master is getting tired of removing the tumors after every attempt.
66. Telling Inga the cute bar wench at the village pub that I am a "close personal friend of the Cryptkeeper" will not score me free drinks.
67. Nor will it get me Inga's phone number.
68. Quiet Riot's "Cum on Feel the Noize" is not appropriate background music for the Monster's dramatic revivification.
69. Nor is Elton John's "Crocodile Rock."
70. If the village's loveliest nubile teenager should somehow wind up dead and turned into the Monster's bride, do not attempt to reason with the enraged mob of torch-wielding villagers.
71. Magnets have no place around the Master's robotic monsters
72. We do not bait the robots by pretending to be Cylons.
73. I am not TV's Frank, and the Master is not Dr. Clayton Forrester.
74. While we're on the subject, Television to the contrary, one cannot conquer the world by widespread broadcast of terrible B-Movies. The Sci-Fi Channel has proven this conclusively.
75. If I refuse to do the dishes and then go around the castle muttering "There is no spoon" during breakfast again, the Master has threatened to carve one out of my skull.
76. There is no Matrix. I do not know kung-fu. I should not practice on the monster.
77. Nor should I refer to the Monster as "Mister Anderson."
78. I should not use eyes I find lying around the castle for marbles.
79. Stopping to smell the roses is highly unadvised in a castle full of genetic mutations and abnormal freaks of nature.
80. Particularly if the roses stop to smell you.
81. It is not adviasble to refer to the guest room as "The Cthulhu Suite"
82. It is not a good idea to get involved in the land war between the mutant ants and the colosso-termites out in the bog.
83. Screaming "Klaatu Barada Nikto!" while fleeing from the library is not a good way to break the ice with hot village chicks during one of Master's increasingly-infrequent dinner parties.
84. Sombreros are not necessary...or desired...in the lab.
85. Soylent Green is people, but we don't tell guests this during dinner.
86. I may not claim Randar the Lava Lizard as a dependent on my income tax return.
87. The Master does not approve of reinactments of scenes from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" in the lab.
88. During the master's final dramatic monologue it is not acceptable to respond with "We belong dead? Where does it say 'we?'"
89. We do not push the big red button marked "Do Not Push." Ever.
90. Not even if Igor dares us to. And he will.
91. No one is interested in the contents of the specimen jars.
92. Not allowed to auction off the Monster's weak spot to the highest bidder.
93. Not allowed to open the gates to the mob of angry villagers even if they claim to be the Welcome Wagon. We moved here five years ago.
94. Not allowed to ask Master's sexy assistants to kiss the serpent - even when there really is a serpent.
95. Not allowed to wear a bra on my head when creating a female Monster ever again.
96. Using Master's cold fusion generator to ferment alcoholic beverages is expressly forbidden.
97. Ditto the freeze ray to chill said alcoholic beverages.
98. This is not a democracy and having three hands in jars on my person does not give me three additional votes on the Master's orders.
99. Do not feed the creature in the lake.
100. Especially not the 13 Alarm Chili
101. Its hundreds of rooms notwithstanding, it is not a good idea to turn the castle into a recreation of the castle from "Dragon's Lair."
102. The Monster would not fit in better with a bad toupee
103. The Master's sexy lab assistants are not interested in the "monster in my pants."
104. If the Master is making two monsters using parts from the same person, it is not desirable to play the soundtrack of "Deliverance" during construction.
105. Do not feed the Monster after midnight.
106. There is no such thing as a Flux Capacitor and the Master does not have a DeLorean in the dungeon.
107. It is not possible to be your own grandfather. I know that now.
108. Paradoxes in the space-time continuum do not result in the death of all that lives.
109. When an extra-dimensional being invades the castle, we do not tell it we are Gods.
110. The Master has more important things to do than help me bring a pet gerbil back to life.
111. ... and it's not a good idea to ask him while he's doing any of those.
112. Should I somehow gain superhuman abilities from consuming a potion found in the lab, I should not expect them to last forever.
113. I should not, under any circumstances, challenge the monster to a steel-cage death match to impress Inga.
114. Do not taunt Master's zombies with raw meat on sticks.
115. Dressing up like the Gorton's fisherman upsets the Fish-Men in the lake.
116. The answer is not 42.
117.The lab does not have a black tie policy.
118. The cell in the basement is not a good picnic location.
119. The castle is not to be rented out for LARP functions.
120. Throwing garbage into the Dimension of Doom is not a wise idea.
121. Strapping three severed heads to my shoulders and crooning "By The Light Of The Silvery Moon" does not make me a barbershop quartet.
122. The Big Red Switch is not to be used to jump start my car.
123. "I thought it'd be funny" is not a valid excuse for opening the monster's cage during lightning storms.
124. Not allowed to use the Master's equipment to swap the heads of the sexy lab assistants.
125. If the Monster gets loose and flings a village girl into a pond because of something I did, I am not allowed to go to the authorities and ask if I can see a line up.
126. Clones have feelings, too.
127. "Over my dead body" is not an invitation.
128. Hamsters are not threatening, no matter how big they are.
129. Conversely, no scorpion is unthreatening - not even the Cute-N-Cuddly Scorpion Buddy.
130. None of the Master's creation would look cute in feety pajamas.
131. I am not Bruce Campbell, and the remains of the monster's victims in the dungeon are not the Army of Darkness
132. Inga is not impressed by my ability to make the monster flee in terror from a match.
133. Nobody else is, either.
134. Nor are the sexy lab assistants impressed by my coming into the lab wearing sunglasses and claiming they "blinded me with science."
135. There is no such thing as a "mad gynecologist."
136. After the inevitable disappearance of village girls, the police do not like being bribed with money from my Counterfeit Money Machine.
137. We do not bait Igor into licking electrical sockets.
138. Rectal probes are not toys.
139. And I shouldn't tell the Monster they are.
140. When the Monster is trapped by the angry torch-wielding mob at the old windmill, it is not appropriate to show up with a slab of ribs and an apron saying "Kill the Cook."
141. The Doctor will never create an army of "zombie fly girls," so I should stop asking,
142. The Monster does not have great manual dexterity and as such putting roller skates on him is a bad idea.
143. If I use the monster to pick up chicks in the village bar, I should not be surprised when he's arrested and charged with assault.
144. When the sign on the flask says "Do not drink," do not drink it.
145. I am not "Mentok the Mind-Taker," and I will stop insisting to be addressed as such.
146. ...and I will stop that annoying "oooOOOOooooOOO' noise.
147. If a certified mad scientist tells you that something falls under the heading "Things Man Wasn't Meant To Know" it damn well better be left the hell alone.
148. Do not experiment with pyramid schemes involving genetically-altered corn.
149. Do not experiment with ANYTHING involving genetically altered corn. (See: "The Steve Incident")
150. If I have to ask the question "What has science done," I don't want the answer.
151. We do not question the Master...even if he thinks he's a small casserole.
152. The Monster is not to be allowed near the gas lines.
153. Especially not while Igor is holding one of his "Firestarters Anonymous" meetings.
154. Jehovah's Witnesses are NOT to be allowed in the lab...EVER.
155. The toilet is not for flushing vivisected eel-fish.
156. Not allowed to play "Skin-Tac-Toe" with the Monster's stiches.
157. Not allowed to sell "Monster Insurance" to the villagers.
158. Nor am I allowed to extort "protection fees" from the villagers.
159. And the Monster is not to be used as an enforcer.
160. And the Master is not to be referred to as "The Don."
161. Scantily clad village girls are a privilege, not a right.
162. I should not light myself on fire and run back and forth in front of the Monster screaming, "Flame on!"
163. On an unrelated note, the Master is not a chiropractor, and will not write me a referral.
164. The Master's insurance does not cover fire, flood, famine, or acts of Igor.
165. Curiously enough, it DOES cover "Acts of Skippy."
166. The Master's dress sense is just fine, thank you, and he has no need to don a green cloak, power armor, and a metallic death mask that a Sith lord would wear.
167. The Master is not now and never has been referred to as "Lord Vader."
168. Nor does he use the Force.
169. Although he is good at choking people from a distance.
170. Taking the above into account, I am not allowed to refer to myself as "Darth Skippy."
171. I am not allowed to hook up the brain of Sir Issac Newton to the voice box and call Stephen Hawking to "freak him out."
172. While a lab coat is required in the lab, that does not mean I can get away with wearing only the lab coat.
173. Likewise, when the Master hires an unsuspecting sexy female intern, I am not allowed to tell her that this is the "required laboratory dress code."
174. I am to refrain from using the peat bog as a dumpster.
175. On an unrelated note, rampaging fish-men are harder to contain than one might expect.
176. IRS agents at the gates are not justification for activating the self-destruct sequence.
177. There is no conceivable use for a vacuum cleaner/fax machine/espresso maker/doomsday device. Besides, the Master already patented it last week.
178. Using the Master's top-secret satellite to spy on the village girls is wrong.
179. So is using it to etch my face into Mount Rushmore.
180. On an unrelated note, I am not allowed to send the Master's address to MI-6 in order to "lay the smack down on that James Bond guy."
181. Nor am I allowed to include blueprints of the Master doomsday device, and the location of the secret entrance by the moat.
182. The Master does not expect me to talk.
183. When the Master wants my opinion he'll give it to me.
184. There is no "Evil Mad Scientist Lackey's" Union and I am not a shop steward for Local 217.
185. Under no circumstances am I to inject glowing green serums into dead bodies.
186. The same goes for injecting glowing green serum into Igor's coffee.
187. Or into the Monster.
188. Or the sexy lab assistants.
189. The Monster cannot be used to scam Social Security.
190. We are not at home to anyone with a name like "Lance Daring, Dashing Adventurer and Ladies Man"
191. "American Idol was on" is not an acceptable excuse for missing the thunderstorm meant to bring the Monster to life.
192. The Master does not like it when I sing karaoke.
193. Especially "The Monster Mash."
194. The Master likes it even less when I convince the Monster to sing karaoke
195. Igor, on the other hand, is a karaoke shark.
196. Do not irk the vampie lords when they stop by to visit.
197. Same goes fo the werewolf pack.
198. Same goes for the aliens from the Arcturus system.
199. The toaster is not an Instrument of Evil...no matter how many times I coat the Pop-Tarts with the blood of a virgin
200. On a completely unrelated note, Inga will no longer return my calls.
201. When challenging the Monster to a game of soccer, we should not play using Aztec rules.
202. The Master does not like anybody touching his collection of shrunken heads.
203. Especially the shrunken Nazi-fugitive skulls.
204. Nor does he like me producing an all shrunken head reenactment of the Nuremberg Trials.
205. When the Master is creating a non-biological monster, I am not allowed to keep asking him if he's going to make it into "a real boy."
206. Nor am I permitted to dress Igor up in a blue dress and sparkly wings.
207. Although Igor seems to like this just fine.
208. On a related note, A.I. is not longer allowed to be played on the lab's DVD during downtime.
209. Or any other time for that matter.
210. Do not touch Master's collection of doomsday devices - not even if the villagers are storming the castle.
211. "Every man for himself!" is not a viable defense against a torch weilding mob of angry villagers.
212. Do not give the Monster a flask of nitro-glycerine and tell him it's candy.
213. When the castle is a smoking ruin, the Monster is dead, Igor has run off with he sexy lab assistants, and the Master is about to be hung from the tallest tree in the village, I am not allowed to ask him if I can put him down as a reference on my resume.
Compiled by Erin Mills and Brian Taylor
Med-school intern Stephen Von Sigerson, known to all and sundry as "Skippy," has recently completed an internship with a not-very-well
respected scientist in an obscure middle European country prone to lightning strikes and wolves baying at the moon. During his time
there, Skippy has learned a number of things about the proper conduct in a laboratory setting and has compiled the following list of things
he was either told or learned during his prematurely terminated internship.
01. We do not taunt Igor with torches.
02. ... especially not during lightning storms.
03. We do not respond to every one of the doctor's commands with "That's what she said."
04. Well, not anymore.
05. "I'll get the marshmallows" is not an appropriate response to the sight of a torch-wielding mob of villagers coming up the road.
06. We do not play "pin the tail on the Tesla coil."
07. We do not let Van Helsings into the castle while the Doctor is away.
08. Especially not if they promise to bring "steaks."
09. Atoms are not for splitting.
10. Sulfuric Acid is not meant to be used as an eyewash.
11. When I blame something on my evil twin, I should first make sure he's actually been created.
12. We do not comment that the Doctor's creations look just like his mother-in-law.
13. We do not call the police even if they are his mother-in-law.
14. The monster's neckbolts are not there for the jumper cables to be clamped to.
15. The "Abby Normal" joke is no longer funny outside the context of a Mel Brooks movie
16. Recreating King Kong using a Tesla coil, the Monster, and a nubile village girl is no longer acceptable behavior.
17. Nor is trying to sell the unholy spawn of that union on the black market.
18. The Monster doesn't like it.
19. "That's just WRONG!" is not an acceptable response to the unveiling of the mad scientist's latest abomination in the eyes of God and Man.
20. The Doctor doesn't like it when we draw juvenile pictures on his anatomical diagrams.
21. Medical waste is not a good soup stock.
22. Bribing village gypsies to falsify fortunes and send tourists to the castle only works when you pay them with money.
23. Newt eyes and lizard tales are not acceptable forms of currency.
24. Walking around with throw pillows in the legs of your pants and declaring that "The M-Master does not ap-prove of such things" is now a hanging offense.
25. We are not allowed to make fun of Igor's lisp.
26. So stop asking him to say things like "Necessary antidisestablishmentarianism"
27. "The Monster Mash" is not our official theme song.
28. Jeffery Combs is not our official spokesman.
29. So walking around the lab muttering "I did not kill him. I gave him life!" is not permitted.
30. Unholy genetic experiments are no longer to be conducted on cockroaches or arachnids.
31. Once was more than enough.
32. We do not use the Doctor's equipment to build ourselves a girlfriend.
33. Especially not if we have to kill his jailbait younger sister to do it.
34. It is not advisable to turn the castle into a bed and breakfast offering "complementary tours of the Secret Evil Laboratory."
35. We do not mislabel the gateway to the Dimension of Doom as "Happy Fluffy Kitty and Rainbow Pony Room."
36. Just because it looks, walks and quacks like a duck does not mean it IS a duck.
37. Nor should it be assumed that it eats bread crumbs like a duck.
38. Under no circumstances do we tell Igor, "Bite me."
39. In fact, telling anything in the lab to "Bite Me" is a bad idea.
40. Sticking my hand in the Doctor's little black box is not a good idea.
41. I should not eat anything I find in the labs.
42. Drinking potions in bubbling beakers will not get me trashed.
43. If we notice the eyes in Master's ancestral paintings following our every movement, we should not attempt to poke them out.
44. "You want a piece of me?" is not an appropriate response to the Monster's threatening hand gestures.
45. When Master asks for my opinion about his latest creation, mumbling, "Dear God in Heaven, what have we created?" is not what he has in mind.
46. When removing medical waste from the lab, I am not allowed to quote the soap making monologue from Fight Club.
47. Speaking of Fight Club, passing the various internal organs to the Doctor for use should not be preluded with "I am Jack's Spastic (Insert Organ Here)"
48. Especially not "I am Jack's Spastic Colon."
49. Recreating the chest-burster scene from Alien using some of those organs is also frowned upon.
50. If I want the Doctor to regenerate my severed limbs, I should refrain from flipping the Monster off.
51. Putting wigs and celebrity name labels on the jars of the floating brains is not funny.
52. Even the one containing Richard Nixon's actual brain
53. And speaking of Nixon, transplanting his brain into the Monster is only funny once.
54. Playing "Got Your Nose" is only cute if the nose in question stays attached to the face.
55. Getting so drunk I urinate on the Master's ancestral graveyard in the basement is not a good idea.
56. Secret passages are a privilege, not a right.
57. Using the dimensional forks to look into the Face of God is one thing. Using dimensional forks to look into the Face of Bob is another.
58. The Master's tools are not toys. We do not use them to steal cable.
59. "Oh look, ,the spare parts are here!" is not the correct way to greet overnight guests and/or potential victims.
60. No one is interested in "hot Igor-on-Igor action."
61. Purchasing body parts for the Master's experiments on eBay is wrong.
62. So Is going to Big Bob's House o Organs
63. So is selling organs to Big Bob.
64. X-rays will not give me superhuman strength...
65. ... and Master is getting tired of removing the tumors after every attempt.
66. Telling Inga the cute bar wench at the village pub that I am a "close personal friend of the Cryptkeeper" will not score me free drinks.
67. Nor will it get me Inga's phone number.
68. Quiet Riot's "Cum on Feel the Noize" is not appropriate background music for the Monster's dramatic revivification.
69. Nor is Elton John's "Crocodile Rock."
70. If the village's loveliest nubile teenager should somehow wind up dead and turned into the Monster's bride, do not attempt to reason with the enraged mob of torch-wielding villagers.
71. Magnets have no place around the Master's robotic monsters
72. We do not bait the robots by pretending to be Cylons.
73. I am not TV's Frank, and the Master is not Dr. Clayton Forrester.
74. While we're on the subject, Television to the contrary, one cannot conquer the world by widespread broadcast of terrible B-Movies. The Sci-Fi Channel has proven this conclusively.
75. If I refuse to do the dishes and then go around the castle muttering "There is no spoon" during breakfast again, the Master has threatened to carve one out of my skull.
76. There is no Matrix. I do not know kung-fu. I should not practice on the monster.
77. Nor should I refer to the Monster as "Mister Anderson."
78. I should not use eyes I find lying around the castle for marbles.
79. Stopping to smell the roses is highly unadvised in a castle full of genetic mutations and abnormal freaks of nature.
80. Particularly if the roses stop to smell you.
81. It is not adviasble to refer to the guest room as "The Cthulhu Suite"
82. It is not a good idea to get involved in the land war between the mutant ants and the colosso-termites out in the bog.
83. Screaming "Klaatu Barada Nikto!" while fleeing from the library is not a good way to break the ice with hot village chicks during one of Master's increasingly-infrequent dinner parties.
84. Sombreros are not necessary...or desired...in the lab.
85. Soylent Green is people, but we don't tell guests this during dinner.
86. I may not claim Randar the Lava Lizard as a dependent on my income tax return.
87. The Master does not approve of reinactments of scenes from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" in the lab.
88. During the master's final dramatic monologue it is not acceptable to respond with "We belong dead? Where does it say 'we?'"
89. We do not push the big red button marked "Do Not Push." Ever.
90. Not even if Igor dares us to. And he will.
91. No one is interested in the contents of the specimen jars.
92. Not allowed to auction off the Monster's weak spot to the highest bidder.
93. Not allowed to open the gates to the mob of angry villagers even if they claim to be the Welcome Wagon. We moved here five years ago.
94. Not allowed to ask Master's sexy assistants to kiss the serpent - even when there really is a serpent.
95. Not allowed to wear a bra on my head when creating a female Monster ever again.
96. Using Master's cold fusion generator to ferment alcoholic beverages is expressly forbidden.
97. Ditto the freeze ray to chill said alcoholic beverages.
98. This is not a democracy and having three hands in jars on my person does not give me three additional votes on the Master's orders.
99. Do not feed the creature in the lake.
100. Especially not the 13 Alarm Chili
101. Its hundreds of rooms notwithstanding, it is not a good idea to turn the castle into a recreation of the castle from "Dragon's Lair."
102. The Monster would not fit in better with a bad toupee
103. The Master's sexy lab assistants are not interested in the "monster in my pants."
104. If the Master is making two monsters using parts from the same person, it is not desirable to play the soundtrack of "Deliverance" during construction.
105. Do not feed the Monster after midnight.
106. There is no such thing as a Flux Capacitor and the Master does not have a DeLorean in the dungeon.
107. It is not possible to be your own grandfather. I know that now.
108. Paradoxes in the space-time continuum do not result in the death of all that lives.
109. When an extra-dimensional being invades the castle, we do not tell it we are Gods.
110. The Master has more important things to do than help me bring a pet gerbil back to life.
111. ... and it's not a good idea to ask him while he's doing any of those.
112. Should I somehow gain superhuman abilities from consuming a potion found in the lab, I should not expect them to last forever.
113. I should not, under any circumstances, challenge the monster to a steel-cage death match to impress Inga.
114. Do not taunt Master's zombies with raw meat on sticks.
115. Dressing up like the Gorton's fisherman upsets the Fish-Men in the lake.
116. The answer is not 42.
117.The lab does not have a black tie policy.
118. The cell in the basement is not a good picnic location.
119. The castle is not to be rented out for LARP functions.
120. Throwing garbage into the Dimension of Doom is not a wise idea.
121. Strapping three severed heads to my shoulders and crooning "By The Light Of The Silvery Moon" does not make me a barbershop quartet.
122. The Big Red Switch is not to be used to jump start my car.
123. "I thought it'd be funny" is not a valid excuse for opening the monster's cage during lightning storms.
124. Not allowed to use the Master's equipment to swap the heads of the sexy lab assistants.
125. If the Monster gets loose and flings a village girl into a pond because of something I did, I am not allowed to go to the authorities and ask if I can see a line up.
126. Clones have feelings, too.
127. "Over my dead body" is not an invitation.
128. Hamsters are not threatening, no matter how big they are.
129. Conversely, no scorpion is unthreatening - not even the Cute-N-Cuddly Scorpion Buddy.
130. None of the Master's creation would look cute in feety pajamas.
131. I am not Bruce Campbell, and the remains of the monster's victims in the dungeon are not the Army of Darkness
132. Inga is not impressed by my ability to make the monster flee in terror from a match.
133. Nobody else is, either.
134. Nor are the sexy lab assistants impressed by my coming into the lab wearing sunglasses and claiming they "blinded me with science."
135. There is no such thing as a "mad gynecologist."
136. After the inevitable disappearance of village girls, the police do not like being bribed with money from my Counterfeit Money Machine.
137. We do not bait Igor into licking electrical sockets.
138. Rectal probes are not toys.
139. And I shouldn't tell the Monster they are.
140. When the Monster is trapped by the angry torch-wielding mob at the old windmill, it is not appropriate to show up with a slab of ribs and an apron saying "Kill the Cook."
141. The Doctor will never create an army of "zombie fly girls," so I should stop asking,
142. The Monster does not have great manual dexterity and as such putting roller skates on him is a bad idea.
143. If I use the monster to pick up chicks in the village bar, I should not be surprised when he's arrested and charged with assault.
144. When the sign on the flask says "Do not drink," do not drink it.
145. I am not "Mentok the Mind-Taker," and I will stop insisting to be addressed as such.
146. ...and I will stop that annoying "oooOOOOooooOOO' noise.
147. If a certified mad scientist tells you that something falls under the heading "Things Man Wasn't Meant To Know" it damn well better be left the hell alone.
148. Do not experiment with pyramid schemes involving genetically-altered corn.
149. Do not experiment with ANYTHING involving genetically altered corn. (See: "The Steve Incident")
150. If I have to ask the question "What has science done," I don't want the answer.
151. We do not question the Master...even if he thinks he's a small casserole.
152. The Monster is not to be allowed near the gas lines.
153. Especially not while Igor is holding one of his "Firestarters Anonymous" meetings.
154. Jehovah's Witnesses are NOT to be allowed in the lab...EVER.
155. The toilet is not for flushing vivisected eel-fish.
156. Not allowed to play "Skin-Tac-Toe" with the Monster's stiches.
157. Not allowed to sell "Monster Insurance" to the villagers.
158. Nor am I allowed to extort "protection fees" from the villagers.
159. And the Monster is not to be used as an enforcer.
160. And the Master is not to be referred to as "The Don."
161. Scantily clad village girls are a privilege, not a right.
162. I should not light myself on fire and run back and forth in front of the Monster screaming, "Flame on!"
163. On an unrelated note, the Master is not a chiropractor, and will not write me a referral.
164. The Master's insurance does not cover fire, flood, famine, or acts of Igor.
165. Curiously enough, it DOES cover "Acts of Skippy."
166. The Master's dress sense is just fine, thank you, and he has no need to don a green cloak, power armor, and a metallic death mask that a Sith lord would wear.
167. The Master is not now and never has been referred to as "Lord Vader."
168. Nor does he use the Force.
169. Although he is good at choking people from a distance.
170. Taking the above into account, I am not allowed to refer to myself as "Darth Skippy."
171. I am not allowed to hook up the brain of Sir Issac Newton to the voice box and call Stephen Hawking to "freak him out."
172. While a lab coat is required in the lab, that does not mean I can get away with wearing only the lab coat.
173. Likewise, when the Master hires an unsuspecting sexy female intern, I am not allowed to tell her that this is the "required laboratory dress code."
174. I am to refrain from using the peat bog as a dumpster.
175. On an unrelated note, rampaging fish-men are harder to contain than one might expect.
176. IRS agents at the gates are not justification for activating the self-destruct sequence.
177. There is no conceivable use for a vacuum cleaner/fax machine/espresso maker/doomsday device. Besides, the Master already patented it last week.
178. Using the Master's top-secret satellite to spy on the village girls is wrong.
179. So is using it to etch my face into Mount Rushmore.
180. On an unrelated note, I am not allowed to send the Master's address to MI-6 in order to "lay the smack down on that James Bond guy."
181. Nor am I allowed to include blueprints of the Master doomsday device, and the location of the secret entrance by the moat.
182. The Master does not expect me to talk.
183. When the Master wants my opinion he'll give it to me.
184. There is no "Evil Mad Scientist Lackey's" Union and I am not a shop steward for Local 217.
185. Under no circumstances am I to inject glowing green serums into dead bodies.
186. The same goes for injecting glowing green serum into Igor's coffee.
187. Or into the Monster.
188. Or the sexy lab assistants.
189. The Monster cannot be used to scam Social Security.
190. We are not at home to anyone with a name like "Lance Daring, Dashing Adventurer and Ladies Man"
191. "American Idol was on" is not an acceptable excuse for missing the thunderstorm meant to bring the Monster to life.
192. The Master does not like it when I sing karaoke.
193. Especially "The Monster Mash."
194. The Master likes it even less when I convince the Monster to sing karaoke
195. Igor, on the other hand, is a karaoke shark.
196. Do not irk the vampie lords when they stop by to visit.
197. Same goes fo the werewolf pack.
198. Same goes for the aliens from the Arcturus system.
199. The toaster is not an Instrument of Evil...no matter how many times I coat the Pop-Tarts with the blood of a virgin
200. On a completely unrelated note, Inga will no longer return my calls.
201. When challenging the Monster to a game of soccer, we should not play using Aztec rules.
202. The Master does not like anybody touching his collection of shrunken heads.
203. Especially the shrunken Nazi-fugitive skulls.
204. Nor does he like me producing an all shrunken head reenactment of the Nuremberg Trials.
205. When the Master is creating a non-biological monster, I am not allowed to keep asking him if he's going to make it into "a real boy."
206. Nor am I permitted to dress Igor up in a blue dress and sparkly wings.
207. Although Igor seems to like this just fine.
208. On a related note, A.I. is not longer allowed to be played on the lab's DVD during downtime.
209. Or any other time for that matter.
210. Do not touch Master's collection of doomsday devices - not even if the villagers are storming the castle.
211. "Every man for himself!" is not a viable defense against a torch weilding mob of angry villagers.
212. Do not give the Monster a flask of nitro-glycerine and tell him it's candy.
213. When the castle is a smoking ruin, the Monster is dead, Igor has run off with he sexy lab assistants, and the Master is about to be hung from the tallest tree in the village, I am not allowed to ask him if I can put him down as a reference on my resume.
